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| Article Time Stamp: 20 December 2001, 12:40:52 GMT+7 | |
M.A.)
A relationship coach lays out his 5 golden rules for evaluating the
prospects of long-term success. When it comes to making the decision
about choosing a life partner, no one wants to make a mistake. Yet, with
a divorce rate of close to 50 percent, it appears that many are making
serious mistakes in their approach to finding Mr./Ms. Right! If you ask
most couples who are engaged why they're getting married, they'll say:
"We're in love." I believe is the #1 mistake people make when they date.
Choosing a life partner should never be based on love (alone). Though
this may sound not politically correct, there's a profound truth here.
Love (alone) is not the basis for getting married. Rather, love is the
result of a good marriage. When the other ingredients are right, then
the love will come.
Let me say it again: You can't build a lifetime relationship on love
alone. You need a lot more. Here are five questions you must ask
yourself if you're serious about finding and keeping a life partner.
QUESTION #1:
Do we share a common life purpose?
Why is this so important? Let me put it this way: If you're married for 20
or 30 years, that's a long time to live with someone. What do you plan to do
with each other all that time? Travel, eat and jog together? You need to
share something deeper and more meaningful. You need a common life
purpose.
Two things can happen in a marriage. You can grow together, or you can grow
apart. 50 percent of the people out there are growing apart. To make a
marriage work, you need to know what you want out of life - bottom
line- and marry someone who wants the same thing.
QUESTION #2:
Do I feel safe expressing my feelings and thoughts with this person?
This question goes to the core of the quality of your relationship.
Feeling safe means you can communicate openly with this person. The basis of
having good communication is trust - i.e. trust that I won't get "punished"
or hurt for expressing my honest thoughts and feelings. A colleague of mine
defines an abusive person as someone with whom you feel afraid to express
your thoughts and feelings. Be honest with yourself on this one. Make sure
you feel emotionally safe with the person you plan to marry.
QUESTION #3:
Is he/she a mensch?
A mensch is someone who is a refined and sensitive person.
How can you test? Here are some suggestions. Do they work on personal growth
on a regular basis? Are they serious about improving themselves?
A teacher of mine defines a good person as "someone who is always striving
to be good and do the right thing. "So ask about your significant other:
What do they do with their time? Is this person materialistic? Usually a
materialistic person is not someone whose top priority is character
refinement. There are essentially two types of people in the world:
People who are dedicated to personal growth and people who are dedicated to
seeking comfort.
Someone whose goal in life is to be comfortable will put personal comfort
ahead of doing the right thing. You need to know that before walking down
the aisle.
QUESTION #4:
How does he/she treat other people?
The one most important thing that makes any relationship work is the ability
to give. By giving, we mean the ability to give another person pleasure.
Ask: Is this someone who enjoys giving pleasure to others or are they
wrapped up in themselves and self-absorbed? To measure this, think about the
following: How do they treat people whom they do not have to be nice to,
such as a waiters, bus boy, taxi driver, etc. How do they treat parents and
siblings? Do they have gratitude and appreciation? Do they show respect?
If they don't have gratitude for the people who have given them everything,
you cannot expect that they'll have gratitude for you-who can't do nearly as
much for them!
Do they gossip and speak badly about others? Someone who gossips cannot be
someone who loves others. You can be sure that someone who treats others
poorly, will eventually treat you poorly as well.
QUESTION #5:
Is there anything I'm hoping to change about this person after we're
married?
Too many people make the mistake of marrying someone with the intention of
trying to "improve" them after they're married. As a colleague of mine puts
it, "You can probably expect someone to change after marriage ... for the
worse!" If you cannot fully accept this person the way they are now, then
you are not ready to marry them.
In conclusion, dating doesn't have to be difficult and treacherous. The key
is to try leading a little more with your head and less with your heart.
It pays to be as objective as possible when you are dating, to be sure to
ask questions that will help you get to the key issues.
Falling in love is a great feeling, but when you wake up with a ring on your
finger, you don't want to find yourself in trouble because you didn't do
your homework.